If I were a Catholic…

…I would light candles and pray at the shrine of the late Dr. Robert Atkins, patron saint of low-carb dieting. Since the beginning of the year, I have dropped from 245 to 228 (for the sports enthusiasts out there, that’s more than a bowling ball — and I could probably stand to lose two more!) through a combination of “Fatkins” and playing Ultimate twice a week with my homeys. In terms of exercise, that consists of 70-80 minutes of mixed walking, jogging, running, and sprinting — and the more weight I lose, the more my combination tilts towards the fast end — causing me to lose more weight… As for eating, I could post a very long email I once sent advising a friend how to get started with Atkins, but for now let’s just say that my diet included, in approximately descending order:

  • Eggs (scrambled, fried, boiled, ensaladated)
  • Sausages (large, flavored, generally 1g per link)
  • Cheese (sliced pepper jack/muenster, shredded colby/jack)
  • Real meat (Ground beef, roast chicken, turkey, pork etc.)
  • Sugar-free Jell-O
  • Processed meat (Sliced lunch ham, turkey bacon, tuna)
  • Creamy things (Sour Cream, Cream Cheese, Herbed cheese spread, coconut milk, butter)
  • Fiber/Veg (Lettuce, celery, broccoli, mushrooms, green chiles, pickles)
  • Flava: (Hot Sauce, Mustard, Ranch & Blue Cheese Dressing, Mayo, Spices)

To drink:

  • Crystal light (various flavors)
  • Coffee (mostly decaf) (1 per day @ breakfast)
  • Caffeine-free diet coke (1 per day @ lunch)
  • Water
  • Iced tea (peppermint)

There may be a lot to the metabolism-shifting ketosis theories of Dr. Atkins, but my GP says the real reason low-carb diets are more effective is simply because the higher amount of protein satisfies longer, which simultaenously reduces hunger, portion size, and cheating. I’m sure there’s a lot to that theory too.

The amazing thing is that my diet was not negatively impacted by my bad carbehavior at The Forester’s house last week: ham, steamed veggies (ok so far), mashed potatoes, one, two (who knew it was coors!) great beers, ice cream, cream puffs, popcorn, chips, cereal&milk, and three unsyruped silver dollar pancakes.

And now it is over; tonight I will finally get to have a triple taste test of my favorite beer from England, vs. a clone I helped my buddy brew: force-carbonated in a keg, as well as bottle conditioned (the little yeasties should be finishing all their sugar and going back to sleep right about now).

And you know there’s going to be opportunities for gluttony on Sunday that I just wouldn’t want to miss!


7 Responses

  1. Yo R! The whole carbogluttony thing is fine as long as its duration is less than the time it takes for the insulin metabolism to cut in. They reckon an hour is safe after the 1 eek run-in, but I guess if you’re well into the diet, you might get away with longer. I remember doing pizza and beer a couple of times with Mike W (he’s hacking for a bank now).

    My favourite thing about the Atkins thing is the feeling of well-being I get, probably because of the sustained feeling of satisfaction.

  2. I did the Atkins diet for almost a year…lost more than 30 pounds, then got a kidney stone that hurt like a $%^##%&%.

    Now I’m ballooning back up and not sure what to do to stem the tide. Esther is encouraging me to start a diet, but which one? I thought about the Biggest Loser tv show, but I’m afraid fame might make me proud. Exercise is always an option but I’m worried about my knees carrying all this weight around a track. I told my dad that if my body is the Temple, I have more Holy Spirit filling a larger temple. He said, “You’re building a cathedral and we’re not even catholics!”

  3. Ruben, you have no idea how thankful I am with you, talking to my dear husband about losing weight.

    You are a wonderful friend.

  4. Did you conclude that the kidney stone was brought on by Atkins?

    Did you know that I had one last May? God created kidney stones to prove to man that morphine isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

    BTW, I am of the opinion that you have to at least consider as an option that Paul’s thorn in the flesh was recurring kidney stones.

    Exercise doesn’t have to involve pounding your knees on a track, you know. However, I am sure you know that this exercise regimen (whatever it may turn out to be) will most certainly involve, perhaps everything short of excruciating, pain. (Etymological note: excruciating – of the cross)

  5. ‘Bino, you might want to consider South Beach, which is kind of like Atkins light — for those who can’t really believe you can lose weight eating bacon and cheese all the time, and no “healthy” foods like fruits and brown rice. Maybe it wouldn’t be so hard on the kidneys (if indeed Atkins did cause the stones).

    My parents have had pretty good success with South Beach. My big problem with it is that it’s much more complex to follow. Atkins is very clear-cut: these foods good: those foods bad! (you would think this kind of regimen would be a no-brainer, but Adam&Eve couldn’t hack it), whereas South Beach I believe you have to do more measuring, counting, or whatever, to make sure you are in proper balance: low carb, but not too low, but not too high, and not too much fat, but there’s good fat and bad fat, and… Too much thinking for me.

    But Esther could certainly help you navigate it. The book my parents used (what was that — is there one basic Bible of south beach?) had like a month’s worth of recipes, so you just followed the plan for a month (at a time), and you get some variety, and it’s probably not too confusing.

  6. I don’t recall the name of the book either. But you don’t need the book. Plus, the Internet (Godsend) has thousands of recipes. One of the principles of SB is that there are three types of phases. One, strict, which you do first; two, not so strict, which you do second; three maintenance. The over-riding principle is blood sugar control; i.e. tortillas are basically sugar.Tortillas are also one of God’s finest gifts to man. So, there you are.

    My basic approach was don’t eat anything white. I now break that rule regularly.

    I go to the gym to give my legs and heart something to do in life. I don’t need to sculpt the upper body since I have always been able to attract girls by my sheer intellect alone.

  7. […] am god (currently I’m the second result from Google on this search). I draw in a bunch of the Dr. Atkins and Dr. Ferber crowds, with searches like atkins “kidney stone” (Google page 2) and how […]

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